Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
