I feel like I'm in dance class right now
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
