It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
