i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
