so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
