Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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