Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
