My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
