ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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