I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
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