why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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