she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
