We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
