Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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