I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
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