one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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