So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
