Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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