Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
