when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
