dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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