It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
