I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
