Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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