things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize