3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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