This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
