Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
