bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
