I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
