Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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