I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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