You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
