my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
