you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
