He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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