I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize