you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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