i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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