I accidentally burped into my bong.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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