So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
