So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
