i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
