I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
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