I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
