I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
