Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize
