You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
