Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
