I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
