I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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