Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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