I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Still dying that you shit outside
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
