I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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