I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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