I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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