I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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