I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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